GOD’S PURPOSE IN EVERY LITTLE DETAIL

Philippians 2:13 (HCSB)

13 For it is God who is working in you, enabling you both to desire and to work out His good purpose. 

It has been a whirlwind of challenging events these past couple of months, with frequent episodes of feeling a plethora of emotions all at once. However, each moment that I have felt these mixtures of emotions, God has been there encouraging me every step of the way to come to him to process what I think and feel about what all has been happening. I am starting to understand that God is slowly preparing me to become more emotionally and spiritually mature during this season of my life.

In January, I held tightly onto my theme scriptures in believing that God would test me, expose my heart and know my anxious thoughts and lead me in his way everlasting. (Psalm 139:23-24) I experienced the amazing story of Terri Nida’s life and death (refer to previous blog titled “A Tribute to Terri Nida”), and I was so inspired to see God in a different light as I reread some of her blogs, relaying some of the most beautiful lessons that God had taught her through the hardships in her life. I felt that I was ready to embrace whatever challenges God had planned for me this year. Little did I know that it would NOT be my own health issues that I would have to face this time. Part of me felt like Peter in the “Upside Down” musical, when he was ready to die for Jesus, but when his wife was brought in, he began to cry out to God, saying, “Lord, is this what you meant when you said that satan would sift me like wheat?” (Upside Down, A Musical Based on the Acts of the Apostles, 1987)

I had begun the month of February, with my heart totally trusting in God, feeling absolutely content with whatever God should decide about my health. I began preparing my heart to hear the worst. After all, about this time last year, one of my tumors began growing again, being resistant to my targeted therapy treatment. I was so elated to learn that the results of this February’s scan showed my tumor had shrunk even more and that the target therapy was still working in limiting the growth of my cancer cells.

Because of my diagnosis of stage 4 (terminal) lung cancer, I had always thought that I would be the first in my household to begin suffering from the advancement of the disease. Both of my parents had learned that they had cancer in 2019. That year, my dad had found out that he had bladder cancer in situ whereas my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer possibly at stage 1 or 2. In fact, her last scan, though it was done about a year and a half ago, indicated that her cancer was still dormant. So, it totally floored me that after her second episode of severe shortness of breath and spending 12 days in the hospital, my mom was sent home on March 5th under hospice care. Her cancer cells had spread into the pleural fluid, which is the fluid between the lining of the lung and the lining of the chest cavity, and her tumor began to fill this area with blood as well. All that my family and I can do now is try to provide her with comfort while her lungs become increasing suppressed in their ability to expand, and her cancer decides to spread throughout her body.

The amazing thing about all of this is that I have been reflecting on how much love that my mom has for me, and I get to witness how much love my whole family has been showing to one another during this difficult time. For this past month, all of us have been pitching in everywhere we can to make my mom as comfortable as she can be. Though we are all struggling with accepting her fate in that she would be dying soon, we choose to die to our selfish ways and serve her in as many ways as possible, living in the here and now.

I am filled with so much encouragement because I know that each of my siblings have lives of their own. They have jobs, their own families to care for, their own households to keep organized, and basically their own lives to live. Despite all the demands though, they all have willingly put aside some time to help my mom with whatever they can. Their spouses have also been so supportive. Some of my family members have even come across the country, since they live in California, to be here for my mom.

By far, the most beautiful moment lately was when my mom for the first time in over two weeks had finally climbed up into her own bed to be with my dad. Now every night, my dad has the unending night shift duty of assisting my mom to the bathroom. It brings tears to my eyes to see how seriously they have taken their wedding vows – “in sickness and in health until death do us part”. On April 9th, they will have been married for 68 years.

My heart is overflowing with so much love and encouragement as I watch my whole family doing all that we can in showing my mom and one another how much we love each other. God has blessed me so much with a very loving family.

As I look back at the various difficult times that I had experienced when I moved to Williamsburg, VA to live with my parents, I can now see more of the full picture as to God’s plan in putting me here. I came here without any intension of staying, planning to just take a break from my life in North Carolina in hopes to recover from a mental breakdown. But then my marriage started to fall apart and before I knew it, I was living here and my husband stayed in North Carolina. And after 20 years of marriage including the last four when we were living in different states, I became a divorcee. When I was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer, I had to take my Social Security funds early because I was disabled and could not work full time anymore. So, no job, no husband, no children, and living with my parents – what better way for God to set me up as one of my mom’s primary caregivers. I have the privilege of helping my dad in caring for my mom. God had this all planned from the very beginning, and I am honored to be used by him in this way, in fulfilling his purpose.

As I reflect on these beautiful opportunities to “love up on” my mom, I am reminded of my relationship with God. My mom has always done so much for me with constantly supporting me. She has believed in me and encouraged me to no end, always helping, even when my choices have not been the best. Because of the unconditional and unending love that she has shown me, I have a better understanding of how God loves me. And because of this love, I can serve both my mom and God with the proper heart of deep gratitude and a burning desire to show them love as well. I know however that I can never ever do enough for either of them to demonstrate how grateful I am for the great love that they have for me.

So, I break down and cry many times throughout the day. However, my tears are no longer because I just feel sorry for myself, but they are now as a response to feeling hurt, sad, moved and/or happy all at the same time. Though I feel so out of control and even have a lot of difficulty expressing my emotions, this has been the very first time in my life that I am totally confident in God working through me. I feel more secure, and I trust now more in God’s care and love than I ever have in my entire life.

Some of you may wonder why I am just now learning to embrace God’s great love for me since I had made the decision to follow Jesus so long ago. I guess the thing is for most of my spiritual journey, I had related so much to doubting Thomas that he could be my twin brother!

Even though I had seen so many miracles as Thomas did (wow and he even performed a lot of them), I would either not acknowledge that a miracle had occurred, spending my time and energy on trying to figure out rationally what had taken place, or I would wait in expectation for something negative to happen. I had such a hard time trusting that God loved me because I felt unlovable.

Also due to my emotional immaturity, I had often identified myself solely through my performance, viewing my acts mostly through lens of failure. My focus, go figure, had always been on ME so I could not really celebrate God’s many victories. My life had been so full of regrets because my image of God had been so distorted. I had projected my own conditional, judgmental view of life onto God. I had doubted that God’s perfect love could completely drive out my fears because I mistakenly had equated the hardships of my life to God’s punishment to me for my never-ending failures. (1John 4:18)

But now something in my life has been changing. Despite these current hardships, I can see God working mightily in my heart. He has shown me clearly his one and only purpose in all that happens to me and to those around me. I am so grateful that he loves me, and that he constantly demonstrates this to me. I totally trust that God knows exactly what is always best for us all. Lately, I can see Jesus helping me overcome my unbelief and giving me his peace.

John 16:31-33 (CSB)

31 Jesus responded to them, “Do you now believe? 32 Indeed, an hour is coming, and has come, when each of you will be scattered to his own home, and you will leave me alone. Yet I am not alone, because the Father is with me. 33 I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. You will have suffering in this world. Be courageous! I have conquered the world.”

As he told the disciples who were with him during his last night on earth, Jesus tells me that I will fail. He encourages me to be courageous despite my failures and the suffering that I will experience while I am here on this earth. He has told me these things so that when I am in him, I may have his peace and so that I can be courageous, knowing that Jesus has conquered the world – that he is in control of every single little detail of my life. My failures no longer define me because as I cling onto the love that God has for me, demonstrated in Jesus’ sacrifice and even seen in my relationship with my mom, I am truly God’s daughter. Unlike the way I dish out “love”, God’s love is everlasting and unconditional. I now see how I have been created for this act of love and that God had prepared this ahead of time as I have been created in Christ Jesus to do these beautiful works. (Ephesians 2:10). To God be the glory. Amen.

Screenshot taken from video of Upside Down Musical, 1987