BLESSED ARE THOSE WHO MOURN

Matthew 5:3-4 (NIV)

He said:

3 “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

4 Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

5 Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.

6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.

7 Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.

8 Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.

9 Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.

10 Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

11 “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me.

“Your sister is a good person, and God will bless her.” This is something that someone had messaged me when I shared a generous act that my sister had done. Having just studied the Sermon on the Mount about those Jesus called blessed, this statement had caused me to pause and think about whom God says that he actually blesses. And because of my history of the many errors in what I think is “good” or the “Christian” thing to do, I also pondered about what God really thought was “good”.

Growing up in a typical middle-class American family, the focus of my upbringing was on correcting my “bad” behavior and giving me a sense of duty. Which of course are typical and admirable qualities in training a child to function well in society. As a child, I worked hard to do what I could to please my parents, but I often felt that I had failed them in so many ways. Though these feelings of failure often contributed a lot to my extreme sadness and eventual depression growing up, these emotions served to motivate me more in striving to win their favor.

In the early years, winning my parents’ approval was what dictated most of my decisions in life. This sole motivation had contributed a tremendous amount to my character development and flaws. As I have been getting to know God more and making his Word – Jesus – my standard, God has been teaching me how to respect my mom and dad from my heart rather than just obeying them so that they would recognize my deeds.

I now understand the importance of comparing this early training to what the Bible says and to inquire of the Holy Spirit what would Jesus do (WWJD). With these comparisons and supplications, there have been quite a few times that God has clearly pointed out the errors in my judgment of certain acts or people as being “good” or “bad”.

As I shared in my previous blog titled “GOD’S PERFECT PLAN, PART I”, because I did not have a relationship with Jesus, I had initially believed that only people who do what I called “Christian” acts were the ones going to heaven. I did not even know what sin really was nor that Jesus had died on the cross for my sin. My belief was based on my experiences and training as a child in the world, saying to myself, “You must do well so that you get rewarded and then you get to go to heaven.”

Therefore, when I judged my actions as “good”, I felt right with God and believed that I was going to heaven. Whenever I judged myself as being “bad”, I believed that God hated me, so I found myself trying to do many “good” deeds to once again win his favor.

Looking back on it now, I realized that not only was this a miserable state to be in, but that I also had some double standards in this belief process. I had thought that only those who were criminals like the murderers, thieves, drug addicts, liars, cheats, bigots, uncontrollably violent people were the ones marked as going to hell. Yet, when I did similar acts of “bad” behavior, I believed that because I was doing different good deeds to “make up for the bad ones”, God would look the other way.

For instance, I would think that I “had” to lie whenever I was backed into a corner or that it was okay to “stretch the truth” a little when I told elaborate stories that were what I called half-truths. For several years, I convinced myself that my decision to abort my baby was my right since I did not want the burden of raising a child when I was not yet married nor ready for that responsibility. I believed that this act was justified because I married the man who got me pregnant. I would apologize after I felt guilty for throwing things at my first husband during some of my violent outbursts. And because I said I was sorry, I had believed once again that I was okay and on my way to heaven. I had no clue that God was not wanting my actions but my heart. All God has ever wanted for me was to humbly seek a relationship with him.

Psalm 51:16-17 (NASB 1995)

16 For You do not delight in sacrifice, otherwise I would give it;

You are not pleased with burnt offering.

17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;

A broken and a contrite heart, O God, You will not despise.

In some other blogs “GOD DESIRES ME TO GO DEEPER” and “HOW CAN YOUR SMILE BE GENUINE?”, I shared how this performance for approval viewpoint had even contributed to my suppression of most of my emotions. I generally do not like feeling sad, mad, and scared and don’t get me started in how I do everything to avoid any type of pain and suffering and try to fix others so that they don’t suffer any more. God has been changing my heart to desire sharing with him all that I feel and to learn more skills in how to communicate to others my feelings as well. Less are the days that I throw a fit when something does not go my way. It is a slow and painstaking process, but God is gradually helping me to embrace the whole procedure and see the value in what he is doing as he changes my heart.

Because God has been helping me express, process, and give my emotions all over to him, he was there for me as I cried and mourned about the results of my CT scan on November 15th. I really desired for the tumor to be totally gone as the scans showed in November 2023, but it only showed that the area was smaller. This time though I did not have to wrestle with God’s decision concerning this outcome because I had previously surrendered to his plans. “I feel almost 100 percent better physically, Lord, but if you want me to start on the road of slowly losing my breath and the cancer spreading all over my body and me being in constant pain, then though I am really sad that this is happening now and not later, I am surrendered. You know what is best and when it is the best.”

I reminded myself that I still needed to get the input from the doctors in how they interpret what my scans showed. “Lord, though I am very sad, and I am mourning for this loss, I know you will always be there with me every step of the way. I must not jump to conclusions since I am not an expert in cancer treatment. Help me Father just to always continue to trust you. You always know what is best, and you never hold anything back from me when I need to know it.” God amazed me in that I did not view him this time as the “playground bully”, which has been my default image of him whenever I didn’t get my way (“WHAT’S WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE?”).

That weekend, I went outside and vacuumed some of the fallen leaves on my parents’ property, a very satisfying activity for me. I continued to pray and give my thoughts and feelings over to God throughout the week. Then on Thursday, my mourning had turned into joy.

I met with my oncologists in Baltimore on the morning of Thursday, November 21, 2024. I shared with them my disappointment in still seeing the tumor in the scan. I expressed that I did not understand why the tumor was still there since I was feeling well enough to vacuum the fallen leaves that weekend. Dr. Hales, the radiology oncologist, stated that he believed that the spot on my scan is just a “fossil” or a “scar” of what was once there. He stated that this scan is now my new “normal” and that all the other scans will be compared to this one. Wow, what a relief. Thank you, Father God!

I continue to be surrendered because my condition is still terminal. I take a medication every day to help my body stop the excessive cell growth, and I know that one day, my cells will mutate to a form that will not respond to this drug. But for now, God is wanting me to continue to make the most of every opportunity to do his will for me. I believe that God has many more plans to make impact on my own heart and on the hearts of my family and friends for his glory.

God has also been teaching me the importance of relationships and how they can strengthen my relationship with him. I had shared some of these convictions in the blogs titled “GOD’S PERFECT PLAN, PART II” and “TO LIVE IS CHRIST”.

I find myself now really valuing the time that I spend with others. I often ask God to show me ways that I can be focused on giving to a person rather than looking for what I can get from the relationship. It amazes me each time how God meets my need and my friend’s need in the most beautiful way when I am focusing on trying to give and love as Jesus does for God’s glory and not my own. It fills me with more gratitude and love even if at times, I might not believe or feel my expectation was initially met. God has such a great way of showing me his many blessings and giving me his peace.

This past week, I was mourning for other reasons. A close friend of one of my best friends had died the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. I only knew the gentleman through my friend. He was her business mentor and very good friend. She spoke with him daily on the phone. He was 12 years her senior, and she knew him for 21 years. He had taught her about the concrete and construction business so that over time, Concrete Karen was birthed.

Though I do not like crying and feeling sad, I am so grateful that God has been allowing me to grieve and feel the pain of this loss with my friend, Karen. I believe that it has brought us both closer to each other and to God as we look to him for our comfort. Times like this allows me to value what Michael Lamb had said in his sermon about his cancer. He shared that events like this often happen to us to give us the opportunity to feel our emotions together. https://www.youtube.com/live/sAwOAC2FPa0?feature=shared&t=2806

I had a lot of people who rejoiced with me as my sadness turned to joy with the news from my oncologist in Baltimore. And I mourned with my best friend, Karen, as she mourned the loss of her good friend Jim.

Romans 12:15

15 Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. 

A week prior to Jim’s death, I was studying out the Beatitudes as they related to Jacob’s life. I was looking through the Thread Resources of the Thread Podcast. This quote was taken from the study on Tuesday in week 4 on Jacob in the section known as God’s People Birthed. It was titled “Blessed are those who mourn”. (If you have a Thread Podcast subscription, this is the web reference: https://app.threadpodcast.org/series/5/weeks/15/contents/193)

Are you brave enough to mourn? We can feel unspiritual for expressing our sorrows to God and to our faith community. But Jesus calls it a blessing to mourn. It is a vehicle for comfort and perspective. When we keep our mourning to ourselves, we also tend to seek to comfort ourselves, separate from “the God of all comfort. This is often unhealthy for our bodies and souls. Like Asaph [in Psalm 73], let us be honest as we mourn. “It is good to be near God,” even in a state of mourning.

So, I am learning that what God sees as “good” and what he calls “blessed” does not always match up with my perceptions nor is it simply the opposite of what I may perceive. I am understanding a bit more that most of my judgments of different acts or of individuals tends to be based on my comparison of myself to others as I compete for approval from different authority figures in my life (and how I have projected this warped view onto how I see God). It is hard to untrain ones’ character flaws that have been ingrained from the beginning of life, but God has shown me that everything is possible with him, and I trust that he will continue to show me this. To God be the glory. Amen.